Hello people, how have you been? A little bit lonely or sometimes bored or just losing your mind like me? I see you. Even you, the ones crippled by fear, unable to leave their beds. I get you.
So, COVID-19 happened and, turns out life is NOT as we know it. Everything changed and the all we can do is cope up. I keep seeing so many posts and blogs telling people that it is okay to be unproductive. There is a pandemic happening. There doesn't essentially have to be a bright side to it. I agree with them, somewhat. It's more of a "you do you" situation.
Let me tell you a bit about myself. I graduated from college in May 2016, and within a week I started my new job. It's been about 4 years and I have never been free. I moved from one job to the other, there was even a time when I gave myself a break for 2 months, but only on paper. In reality, that break had me preparing for an exam and interviewing for my next job. So no free time, ever. But this time, it's different. I am going to b-school. At least I hope I get to. I quit my job in February to prepare for this new life. Tomorrow was going to be my first day. So this post may be a bit poignant. I had this whole thing planned, I knew where I was going and exactly where I would be for the next year. I was excited, I was nervous and that was the plan . Well, we all know what they say about the best-laid plans...they usually go awry.
So now, here I am, confused about myself, my future, my decision of going to a b-school. There are all kinds of analysis and speculations around. Cost-benefit analysis, ROI, the scope of deferring, the rationality of deferring, job market, placements, opportunity cost, these are just some of the terms I have heard in the last 2 weeks and all they do is make me worry. Make me question my sanity.
On a regular day, I would have given each of these much thought and pondering. But it is not a regular day and I have got all the time in the world. Thinking is like opening Pandora's box. There is no end to the thoughts and worries. I think. I panic. It's my personal vortex from hell. So I do everything possible to not think.
I have read 45 books in 2020 and it's just April. If I am not reading a book, I am reading essays on my phone. I have gone so far as to have a book at every corner in my house so that I am never left alone. I started writing again and not a short assignment. I am writing a book. I am not committing to a full book but I am still writing. I started baking too. Me. The girl who was allergic to the kitchen started baking. I have no interest in baking. Even if I am not half bad, I don't get any joy out of it. But here I am, so scared to be left alone with my thoughts that I would rather do something I hate than do nothing at all.
I can't even do things that don't entirely occupy my mind, like Netflix. The 40 days I have been home, I have watched a grand total of 8 episodes. I used to finish a season in a night, now look at me! But Netflix doesn't fully occupy my mind and a wandering mind is like a losing war, I need to be on the winning side.
We don't know how long this quarantine will last, we don't know how long we have to enjoy the presence of our own company. We cannot afford to start hating ourselves now. So yes, I am not unproductive. When I get out of this quarantine, I will have a lot of activities to my name but it won't be because I was trying to be productive, it would be because I don't have a choice. The other option is too scary to comprehend.
Is it the right way to go about this? I don't know. Maybe not, maybe I should face my fears. I cannot tell you what's right and what's wrong. I can only tell you how I am coping with this.
I know we feel alone, and a little disgruntled, sometimes even angry, always frustrated. We think it's unfair. And we can't even complain too loudly because we are still privileged. We have a home, our family, food on the table, life is not ideal but it's not bad either. It still doesn't take away your right to feel the way you do, to complain. If it makes you feel better, do it. We are here for a long time, let's not make it harder than it should be. Let's stop policing people on what to feel. Let's be okay with all the stupid Instagram trends. If it makes someone feel happy, it's worth it. I am borderline okay with even TikTok right now. Anything you can do within four walls, goes.
You do you, okay?
No judgements.
Maybe we will come out of this okay, maybe we will be forever changed. Whatever be the case, this too shall pass.
XOXO (from a distance)
Pearl
So, COVID-19 happened and, turns out life is NOT as we know it. Everything changed and the all we can do is cope up. I keep seeing so many posts and blogs telling people that it is okay to be unproductive. There is a pandemic happening. There doesn't essentially have to be a bright side to it. I agree with them, somewhat. It's more of a "you do you" situation.
Let me tell you a bit about myself. I graduated from college in May 2016, and within a week I started my new job. It's been about 4 years and I have never been free. I moved from one job to the other, there was even a time when I gave myself a break for 2 months, but only on paper. In reality, that break had me preparing for an exam and interviewing for my next job. So no free time, ever. But this time, it's different. I am going to b-school. At least I hope I get to. I quit my job in February to prepare for this new life. Tomorrow was going to be my first day. So this post may be a bit poignant. I had this whole thing planned, I knew where I was going and exactly where I would be for the next year. I was excited, I was nervous and that was the plan . Well, we all know what they say about the best-laid plans...they usually go awry.
So now, here I am, confused about myself, my future, my decision of going to a b-school. There are all kinds of analysis and speculations around. Cost-benefit analysis, ROI, the scope of deferring, the rationality of deferring, job market, placements, opportunity cost, these are just some of the terms I have heard in the last 2 weeks and all they do is make me worry. Make me question my sanity.
On a regular day, I would have given each of these much thought and pondering. But it is not a regular day and I have got all the time in the world. Thinking is like opening Pandora's box. There is no end to the thoughts and worries. I think. I panic. It's my personal vortex from hell. So I do everything possible to not think.
I have read 45 books in 2020 and it's just April. If I am not reading a book, I am reading essays on my phone. I have gone so far as to have a book at every corner in my house so that I am never left alone. I started writing again and not a short assignment. I am writing a book. I am not committing to a full book but I am still writing. I started baking too. Me. The girl who was allergic to the kitchen started baking. I have no interest in baking. Even if I am not half bad, I don't get any joy out of it. But here I am, so scared to be left alone with my thoughts that I would rather do something I hate than do nothing at all.I can't even do things that don't entirely occupy my mind, like Netflix. The 40 days I have been home, I have watched a grand total of 8 episodes. I used to finish a season in a night, now look at me! But Netflix doesn't fully occupy my mind and a wandering mind is like a losing war, I need to be on the winning side.
We don't know how long this quarantine will last, we don't know how long we have to enjoy the presence of our own company. We cannot afford to start hating ourselves now. So yes, I am not unproductive. When I get out of this quarantine, I will have a lot of activities to my name but it won't be because I was trying to be productive, it would be because I don't have a choice. The other option is too scary to comprehend.
Is it the right way to go about this? I don't know. Maybe not, maybe I should face my fears. I cannot tell you what's right and what's wrong. I can only tell you how I am coping with this.
I know we feel alone, and a little disgruntled, sometimes even angry, always frustrated. We think it's unfair. And we can't even complain too loudly because we are still privileged. We have a home, our family, food on the table, life is not ideal but it's not bad either. It still doesn't take away your right to feel the way you do, to complain. If it makes you feel better, do it. We are here for a long time, let's not make it harder than it should be. Let's stop policing people on what to feel. Let's be okay with all the stupid Instagram trends. If it makes someone feel happy, it's worth it. I am borderline okay with even TikTok right now. Anything you can do within four walls, goes.You do you, okay?
No judgements.
Maybe we will come out of this okay, maybe we will be forever changed. Whatever be the case, this too shall pass.
XOXO (from a distance)
Pearl
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